How choosy are you?
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Have you given thought to the people with whom you spend time? Do they add light to your life, or do they bring negativity?
While some of the people in your life do not reflect choices you’ve made, and are not changeable, many of the people in your orbit are there because you chose to include them.
Why it’s important to choose with care
When you are thoughtful about the people with whom you engage, you can surround yourself with those who bring qualities into your life that you desire and value.
People who have a positive outlook, who are kind, who inspire you, who are collaborative, who are generous, whose humor delights you, impact your life in great ways.
If you pause and realize there are people in your life that drain you, you have an opportunity to make new choices.
The cost of tolerating people who add stress
Maybe you are aware of people who drain your energy, that you have been tolerating — for any number of reasons.
The toll that takes can be obvious, or (as is often the case) can be easy to miss.
When you tolerate being in the company of people who are a drag on your energy, small annoyances and irritations often seem normal. While it’s easy to get used to them when you frequently “swim in those waters,” the ongoing irritation diminishes your wellbeing.
And in some cases, you may be well aware of people whose behaviors and energy pull your energy down.
With awareness you can set new standards and create distance from those people.
How to create distance when you need to
Many of us find ourselves wanting to make a change, but the thought of making the change can feel daunting.
When you have clarity about your standards and have made new decisions about people with whom you want to have less contact, or no contact, consider these two approaches:
1. Create new boundaries
If you cannot end your relationship with someone, you can decide to set terms and conditions that will better serve you.
For instance, you can shift from daily texts to a weekly check-in.
Another approach that’s available to you is to make it clear that you’ll be happy to communicate if you both can agree to use language and tone that are respectful. (This can be an add-on to planning for less frequent contact.)
2. Phase out the relationship
When there is a person who drains you, and with whom you have no obligation to stay in contact, you can take steps to end the relationship. And you can do it with kindness.
Whether you choose to gradually phase out the connection, or end it in one step, plan for a conversation in which you communicate with clarity. Focus on the importance of this decision to you, and how you want to show up in the conversation.
There will be a temptation to apologize and be defensive. Instead, I invite you to calmly share that you now have new commitments, or some other change of circumstances, and that you will be in less frequent contact/will not continue the relationship.
Do not make accusations. And remember that you do not need to explain yourself. These are common traps to avoid. You are communicating a decision you are making for yourself.
Naturally, depending on the duration and nature of the connection with the person, you may modify these sound, proven approaches.
Bear in mind that your highest priority is to ensure your wellbeing.
New opportunities will open up
When you minimize or remove people who are a drag on your wellbeing, and surround yourself with people who lift you up, you will notice that you feel lighter and more inspired. And you are likely to feel happier.
In fact, you may feel a palpable sense of positive energy, to both share and nurture, the more that you spend time with people who light you up.
You will be seen by them in your highest light and you will have their support. In turn, you will see all that’s possible for them and relish supporting them.
And when you and the people you choose to connect with are focused together on your journeys, you and they realize great outcomes faster.
In this way, “all boats rise” higher, and with more ease.
The outcomes can be life-changing
I witness this powerful phenomenon frequently.
I am surrounded by fantastic colleagues in a master-mind program that offers me these experiences. It is so exciting to receive this kind of support and to provide it.
And I witness it in the women I coach.
The power of a wonderful group to be in the work together, inspiring one another, celebrating each other, holding each other in the highest light, and being there for others when someone hits a set-back, is incredibly special.
In fact, last week, one woman in my coaching program shared that when having to speak to the media in a moment of tremendous stress and pressure, she found herself calm and able to stay the course in a way that she had not been able to do in the past. She said how much she appreciated being in the work alongside the others, and that watching other great women navigate difficult things had helped her enormously.
I invite you to carefully choose the people with whom to engage. You deserve to be loved and fully supported.
