Do you struggle when making decisions?

Do you dither?

It can be challenging to be decisive. Even the smartest people can find it hard to make decisions — chronically or sporadically.

I recall this challenge myself, years back, when I owned my design firm. I was asked by my team to please make faster decisions!

I was aware of taking my time to be sure I was thinking things through carefully, but had no idea that my slow decision-making was a problem for my team. I was holding them up.

They assured me that even if I made an “imperfect” decision, they would be fine moving ahead and we could course-correct if needed.

Did it sting to hear that? It did a little. Was it helpful to hear it? Yes!

Why it can be hard to make decisions

In my case, indecisiveness was rooted in perfectionism.

I had a deep-seated belief that I had to be perfect — and perfectionism is a powerful way the self-critic loves to show up to sabotage us. (You can read more about perfectionism and what to do about it here.)

I came to realized that I thought there had to be a perfect solution in response to any question or choice. Thus, deep down I felt that every decision I made had to be perfect.

Overly-deliberating about decisions was just one of many ways that perfectionism got in my way in those days! I was not conscious of it then, but it became clear that perfectionism was the underlying driver of my indecisiveness.

Fear — of failure, of conflict, of judgement, and more — is another cause of indecisiveness.

Fear is another huge way the self-critic steps in to limit us.

(You can learn about the self-critic, and the role of self-love to cope with the many ways the self-critic shows up, in the free guide I offer as a gift in my book.)

Fear of failure is incredibly common, and it’s a close cousin of perfectionism.

Many people fear making decisions because their decision may rock the boat and cause conflict. Or they fear that others will criticize their choice.

Some fear feeling remorse for a decision.

Fears like these can prompt people to push off making any decision at all.

Perhaps you are an over-thinker.

Some people believe they must think everything through from every possible vantage point. And there are times when it is wise to be very thorough in reviewing a matter.

However, over-thinking can become a habit and a crutch. It is often an indicator that procrastination is at play (and procrastination is yet another way the self-critic steps in to get in our way). 

Anxiety or depression may be making it hard for you to make decisions.

Anxiety and depression can make it very difficult for people to make decisions. The need to make decisions can make them feel overwhelmed. 

How I made faster decisions with less stress

The insight that I was holding others up by being indecisive, and hearing that they welcomed me to make faster decisions without assurance that my decisions would all be perfect (which is, of course, impossible to predict) freed me. 

I was able to trust myself to make decisions. I had “permission” to refine and make changes from that point forward.

It was a game-changer for me!

It opened the way for me to think expansively about what was possible, listen to my intuition, and make faster decisions.

I came to appreciate that I could continue to modify and create next steps as we moved forward.

Decisions that had felt so monumental began to look like steps along a path that was ongoing and full of possibility.

Adopting this approach can work similarly if fear is the factor that drives indecision, or over-thinking and procrastination are the root cause.

If you are aware that anxiety or depression are factors for you, I suggest you talk about that with a counselor, therapist or another medical professional.

What decisions are you making now?

As the world is opening up now, we have many new opportunities and many of us face making decisions of all sorts.

This can be exciting, or can bring on a sense of overwhelm. 

I urge you to try and approach making decisions with a new frame of mind, much as I learned to do. 

And if you feel called to make decisions now about the future you want to create, I’d be glad to meet with you. The next Live Big Live! starts soon, and it may be a great resource for you at this moment when so much possibility is on the horizon. 

Schedule a Live Big Breakthrough Call with me. There's no obligation or cost for us to talk.

Scheduling this call may prove to be the best decision you make today.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Are your high standards hurting you?

Do you have high standards? Do you care about every detail being just right? Maybe people call you “picky” — like my kids did when they were growing up. It was said jokingly, but my “pickiness” was often annoying.

Traits like these often indicate perfectionism.

Caring about things being done well is all fine and good, but perfectionists carry things to a level that is problematic — for themselves and for people around them.

As a recovering perfectionist (I’m a Type One on the Enneagram), I know a lot about the subject.

And I can tell you, it’s exhausting to be a perfectionist.

If you relate, or you care about a perfectionist in your life, exploring this subject may help you.

The tyranny of perfectionism

It’s worth understanding the range of negative impacts of perfectionism — for both perfectionists and those around them.

The impacts of perfectionism on the perfectionist

The exhaustion of relentlessly striving for perfection adds enormous stress to life. And goodness knows, we have all endured enough stress this year that adding to it is just awful. In fact, stress can be toxic.

Perfectionism is the root cause of procrastination — another way perfectionists suffer. After all, if it has to be perfect it can feel scary to get started on any project. And the inevitable stress of needing to create something great at the 11th hour adds stress on top of stress. You can see where this is headed.

For some people, perfectionism can become so extreme that it’s debilitating. I hear from people whose jobs make them miserable due to the pressure they feel to be perfect.

And perfectionists have a hard time delegating. Everything they think they need to do themselves to get it done “right” adds to the weight they carry — at work and at home.

Each day can feel unbearable, and burnout can result.

But even for those who live with a more moderate level of perfectionism, there are downsides. They often lose perspective about what is really important as they aim for everything to be perfect. And the undercurrent of fear about not being good enough takes a psychic toll.

How perfectionists impact others

Perfectionists can be hard on those around them.

When some show up as being picky about things, it can annoy the people in their midst.

When perfectionists are judgmental of others who don’t meet their impossibly high standards, they can be tougher to be around.

And when a perfectionist feels angry about someone else not meeting their standards, things can get really rough. Even if they don’t intend to be harsh, these perfectionists can hurt people’s feelings and worse.

Leaders who struggle with perfectionism are often disliked, as well as feared. This is terrible for both perfectionists and those who work for them.

How to join the ranks of recovering perfectionists

1. Lighten up

Ok, for a perfectionist. that is easier said than done. After all, perfectionism is deeply rooted in those who struggle with it.

You might start with getting comfortable with the idea that “almost perfect” is good. Give it a solid effort and be ok with that. After all, you’re idea of “almost perfect’ is likely to be seen as terrific by many people!

Think about what is most important as well as what is the wisest way to use your time. Are you focused on making something perfect at the expense of something else that is actually more important? Is striving to make things perfect on a particular project robbing you of time that can be better spent in other ways — at work, or in your personal life? When you get clear can you take a fresh approach?

2. Trust the adage that “perfect is the enemy of good”

Try to focus on process as much as product — enjoy the journey!

And try the 80/20 approach. Launching that website when it’s 80% of what you consider “perfect” and having people access your content sooner, is so much better than delaying the site launch until you are 100% happy with every last detail. There is always time to polish or add more later.

Appreciate yourself for completing a project and getting it into the world. And appreciate that you did it sooner than if you had labored over it longer.

3. Savor the inner peace

When you practice and are gradually able to loosen the grip of perfectionism, you will notice many positive changes.

Imagine how good it will feel to work on projects a little at a time, with less procrastination and fewer last-minute crunches.

Allow yourself to enjoy the process, rather than anxiously focusing only on the outcome, and you will add pleasure to your daily life.

Consider projects complete before they are “perfect.” That will alleviate stress and feel terrific.

When you delegate with clarity, and are able to see that others will sometimes do things somewhat differently than you would, but that their way is fine, you’ll experience a huge sense of relief.

And if you need to give constructive criticism and allow them to give it another go, their eventual ability to handle that kind of matter will free you up in wonderful ways.

All of that will make you happier, raise your self-esteem, and make those around you able to appreciate you in a whole new light.

Are you ready to stop being a perfectionist?

Leave a comment to let me know if perfectionism is a factor in your life — and if so, tell me how it impacts you.

And if you want help to end the negative pull of perfectionism, let’s talk.

As someone who has significantly overcome this problem, I help many women to move past procrastination.

I promise that our conversation will provide you with new insights and perspectives, as well as ways you can begin to change your life for the better right away.

And we can explore the possibility for you to be a part of my next Live Big Live! retreat, to help you create the life you want and deserve. Of course, if either of us feels the fit is not good, that’s absolutely fine.

Book a Live Big Breakthrough Call with me, or email me and we’ll make a date to talk.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

The trap of perfectionism — and what you can do about it

When you are an accomplished woman (as so many of my readers are), you are bound to find yourself dealing with perfectionism — and it may show up with great frequency. 

We feel pressured by the perceived expectations of others to be great — a great leader, consistently productive and efficient, to have an abundance of excellent ideas, to perform well at everything we do. This applies to work, being a parent, our exercise routines, our roles of spouse and friend — basically in every aspect of our lives. And, the truth is that we believe the expectations of other people are much higher than is often the case.

And, we set expectations for perfection ourselves. 

Why do we do that? 

Maybe we adopted the pressure to be perfect as a child, imparted by parents or teachers. We then generalized that everyone has those expectations of us, and have carried the weight of that misconception. 

Maybe we adopted the pressure out of a belief that we are deficient, and need to prove ourselves. And many believe perfectionism is the path to achieving big goals. What most often happens is that the stress of striving for perfection makes us stuck, or slide into procrastination. Thus, we don’t shine fully, or it takes longer to reach our goals. And sometimes we don’t ever them.

Can you relate?

Do you find that pressure to be perfect exhausting?

I often hear this stress expressed by my coaching clients and women I speak to, when they feel safe and open up to share how hard it is to live this way. It’s a challenge I know well, too — I was saddled with this self-imposed pressure for many years.

I also hear about an array of self-doubts that are tied to the endless attempts to be perfect. Many accomplished women feel like impostors, or not good enough or smart enough or talented enough. They see other impressive women and are sure those women don’t struggle as they do. With crazy-high standards for themselves, they tell themselves they are the only ones who can’t comfortably perform at amazing levels all the time. 

But it’s impossible to live up to a standard of perfection. Because none of us is perfect (even if it looks to us like some people are pretty darn close). Excellence is a wonderful objective, but nobody can achieve greatly all the time, or be great at everything. 

In fact, there is no such thing as perfect.

Perfectionism is one of the great myths, and it’s one that the Self-Critic loves to use as a tool of sabotage. Perfectionism puts our emotional well-being at risk, and it can negatively impact our physical health, too. 

So, what to do? How can you release the patterns and habits that are rooted in a drive to be perfect — and that you believe you need in order to be “successful”?

1. Start with self-love

I talk about the impact of self-love often — because it is so powerful. Here is how to put it to work to reduce perfectionism.

Begin by fully acknowledging and appreciating all of your talents and gifts. Own them with a full heart, without judgement, without looking at where they are limited. Focus on believing in yourself.

And then, forgive yourself for all the ways you are not “perfect”. Consciously start trying to let go of unrealistic expectations. Appreciate the efforts you put into things that matter, and release a sense of duty to do things that do not merit a super-high level of effort. And, be happy when you give your best shot to what does matter most — even when you don’t meet Nobel Prize-level standards! 

2. Take imperfect action

Perfectionism can inhibit us terribly, or even paralyze us. The second-guessing and fear that come up are huge blocks that keep your true talents from flowing. Perfectionism often leads to procrastination, which heaps on more stress. Taking action — without pressure — is a brilliant way to start, and to accomplish, in big ways.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but taking action with the objective of beginning imperfectly is a powerful way to do great things. Let me share an example of this concept and how it worked.

A client of mine was launching a new business and working to quickly get a simple website in place in time for a big opportunity. She knew she needed to write a short but powerful statement about the business, but was stuck. It felt daunting. It had to be great and she was intimidated.

Now, this client is an excellent writer, so her skill level was not the stumbling block. Her expectations for perfection were stopping her, even with a deadline looming. My advice to her was to begin by writing a shitty first draft — in fact, not one bad draft but at least three totally messy drafts. The assignment was to play with rough ideas, get lots of them down, and then begin to shape the statement from that material. The result was fantastic — and she was surprised at how fast she completed the work. She found the gems in her drafts and polished them, got feedback on a fresh draft, and tweaked it just a bit more. 

Best of all, she enjoyed the process, and was thrilled to get it done and onto the site.

Whether you are writing an article or a report, or planning a new initiative, or aiming to conceive of solutions to knotty problems, or learning a new skill, start with taking imperfect action. That imperfect, messy action gets momentum going, which means you’ll complete the work more quickly as you let your talents shine.

3. Make commitments to yourself

Anything we really want to do or accomplish entails commitment. In this case, the commitment begins with a focus on self-love in as many ways as you can think of. Commit to being alert to the sneaky ways that perfectionism shows up for you, so you can consciously respond differently. And, commit to talking imperfect action, and to taking a playful approach to start tackling the tasks at hand. And finally, commit to following through with your best efforts.

Your best efforts consistently brought to each challenge will lead to great outcomes — outcomes you can feel really good about. 

I welcome you to share your experiences related to perfectionism — from questions you have to ways you’ve been able to ease that pressure — in the comments below.