Discover the surprising power of saying “No”

Each year when Valentine’s Day rolls around the topic of love is front and center.

I am a huge believer in the power of love, and the vast and marvelous ways it can be expressed.

The outcomes of developing self-love cannot be overstated.

Amplifying love shared by those with whom we are close is a gift we can give to ourselves and our dear ones. 

And love is an energy we can all bring into our awareness, and that can collectively impact the greater good near and far. This may be the most under-appreciated aspect of love’s powers.

Self-love is the topic I want to focus on today, as I consider self-love to be the foundation upon which all of the other kinds of wonderful love can most easily be built.

A surprising way to practice self-love

I have shared the fundamentals for understanding self-love and some simple, effective practices for building self-love in past posts. You may want to check out an overview here.

What you may never have considered as a way to to be self-loving is using the word, “No.” 

This simple word — that can be used in a sentence or can stand alone as a full sentence — is a resource that many women resist considering, much less using.

Why it can feel hard to say, “No.”

I often hear women say how overwhelmed they feel. They are committed to doing great things at work, to supporting those around them, to running their households, to caring for children and/or parents, to volunteering, and more. 

They often put everyone and everything else ahead of what they need and want — to the point of self-sacrifice, and sometimes burnout.

They say “Yes” to requests, “Yes” to demands, “Yes” to opportunities.

Why?

They often want to be nice and please people.

They may be flattered by a request and feel obligated to say,“Yes.” 

Sometimes they fear what might be said or done if they respond with a “No.”

It can feel easier and less risky to say, “Yes.”

And, sadly, many yeses are given without considering the implications of accepting that thing.

How a “No.” can be self-loving

Stating the need to give things thought is a perfect first response, rather than replying quickly, even if you are pressed for a quick answer.

It is an act of self-love to take the time to consider what the ask is and the meaning and importance it has for you. Does it align with your values and priorities? 

It is an act of self-love to consider what a “Yes” will entail in terms of time and effort.

It is an act of self-love to look at your calendar to see how adding in the tasks will fit into your life — or not.

It is an act of self-love to be sure you reserve ample time for self-care and things that enrich your spirit.

It is an act of self-love to assess all of those things with care before you give a response. 

And when there are clear indications that this request is not right for you, or not right for you at this time, or your gut tells you there are red flags, it is an act of self-love to reply with a “No.”

Your “No’s” can be expressed with kindness

After expressing appreciation for what was offered or requested of you, you can decline without complicated explanations or excuses. 

You might say something simple and sincere, such as, “I have other commitments that preclude me from being able to take this on/assist you/accept this.”

You might want to practice in advance with a close friend or your coach, to get comfortable with making your statement. You might want to think about some simple, supporting information to provide if you are pressed for more reasons, and you might want to think about suggestions you can offer for other people they might consider, or alternative approaches that could be helpful.

That said, it’s advisable to stand strong in your decision and not allow yourself to be manipulated or pressured.

When you have thought the matter through and are clear that a “No” is best for you, and you do not waver, you are loving yourself in a remarkable way.

That’s a great Valentine’s Day gift you can give yourselve all year long!

And if part of your self-love awareness is that you want to step into boldly igniting your creative power, to live your biggest best life, let’s talk.